The pain behind our masks
by Lil.Cat-chan
Summary: Ame - Rain, Konoha - Sun. For Tamara it was like night and day, heaven and hell, but she did it for her mother. Rating will cange with the story, thought I don't really know how this will turn out, I just have a few ideas. AU-Story RL, no Ninja
1. Prologue

Tears slid down her cheeks as she scrubbed even harder over her skin. Her small cries and hiccups were drowned in the sound of the running water of the shower. While the once hot water had burned her skin it was now icy cold and making goosebumps appear all over her skin. She didn't care.

_Clean. I need to get clean!_

Again and again she had those words appearing in her mind, unable to get the feeling of filth off of her skin she switched from the already raw sponge to the one her mother used to scrub real stubborn dirt away with and began to work on her legs. A small squeak left her lips as her skin gave in and blood began to ooze out of the wound, only to be washed away by the cold water.

_I don't want to be filthy!_

She scrubbed harder, ripping her skin open, first on her legs and then on the rest of her body. A knock on the door let her freeze under the water, slowly she looked up and towards the door. Another knock.

"Tamy? Are you okay in there? It's been two hours now… I'm getting really worried here Hun." She sucked in air and let the sponge drop, turning off the water.

"I… I'm fine Mom! I got carried away… I'll be outside in a few." She fast said and hid the pain and fear in her voice.

"Okay… Dinner is ready." She heard her mother leave, slowly she sank down and pulled her bleeding legs to her chest, letting her head fall down she felt another wave of tears and bit her lip to not cry out. A burning pain spread over her body where she had ripped open her skin with her scrubbing.

"Why me…?" She whimpered and felt her nails bite into her legs. After another few Minutes she guessed had passed she pulled herself together as good as she could and wobbled out of the shower. As she took the red towel to dry herself she winced whenever she rubbed over one of now skin-free parts. Tired and with pain all-present in her body she dressed her wounds first before slipping into her underwear and binding her breasts before pulling on the too big and loose sweatpants and old sweater that let her seem like a small child in its fathers clothing. Rubbing the foam from the mirror she looked at something she was sad to call her reflection.

She had once had a pale but still healthy complexion, a little bit too much body-weight but she had felt okay that way and bright short red hair. Now her eyes looked haunted and dark circles were prominent under them, she had lost no healthy amount of weight and her hair looked like it was blood seeping from her head the way the wet strands hung down around her face and by now even went to her mid-back.

She jumped and slipped as a knock came from the door, hitting her head on the cold tiles she hissed.

"Everything okay? Tamy?"

"I'm fine Mom, I just… I just was in thoughts." She stood up and fast brushed her hair before opening the door. The pity in the eyes of her mother made her want to cry and throw up, she looked down.

"Can you braid my hair?" She asked in a small voice and felt the hand of her mother around her own.

"Come with me." Slipping into her slippers first she let herself get lead down the hall and into the kitchen. She sat down on the stool and felt her mother's warm fingers run through her hair before parting it into three strands and braiding it.

"Tamara… since that accident… you… you have changed, and I know it's not your fault, but I feel so much pain seeing how you hurt so much. I… I called your aunt, Sahra said she would love to have you over for the summer break. You could get a free head, maybe even find a few friends? And Karin said she would take you out to go shopping. Doesn't that sound great? You always wanted to go shopping and never could, but… I put a bit of money back so you could." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, only to open them again because a flash of pictures came to her vision.

"Mom… I really don't want to. It's the money you saved to go to college and get a better job. I don't want to take that from you." She had her hands clamped around the hem of her sweater. Her mother finish the braid and held the hair together with a gum before she slung her arms around her daughter. With a sad thought she noticed just how thin her daughter had become.

"Dr. Simmer said it would do you good. Sahra lives all way out in a small village. You would be safe and… and I really just want you to get healthy again, so your bad dreams stop, so you can finally smile again. I miss you Hun… I really miss you." She squeezed her daughter and a small hiccup left Tamara's lips, her hands clenching harder on the hem.

"Mom…" She whispered and her mother let go of her only to pull her into a stand and hug her fully. Tamara wrapped her arms around her mother, shaking her head she cried into the chest of her mother who had to hold back her own tears.

"Come on, let us pack Hun. It'll do you good." Tamara didn't want to, but she would do it, for her mother not for herself. She knew her mother hurt, if not as much as her she still hurt.


	2. 1 Pain in my heart

She pulled her sun-hat lower to shield her eyes more from the sun, the big sunglasses not enough for her tastes. Everything was just too bright for her liking. The world wanted to give the false image of peace, of everything nice. She knew all too well that that was not the case, that the world was cruel and that it would only lure you with its metaphorical chocolate into its dark van and then… She shuddered and pulled the jacket on, even if her mother meant she wouldn't need it in Konoha, it was always hot in Konoha. She peeked up, there were nearly no people left at the train-station and finally she saw the red hair that was so distinct for women in her family.

That of her aunt Sahra was not as deep as hers, but just as bright and always held in two low pigtails. She was one of the few with wavy hair, as normally they had straight hair, but she was a cheerful person and it somehow just suited her attitude that she would get bouncy hair. She waved her hand and in Tamara's opinion she too was way too bright. A bit behind her aunt she could get a glimpse of her cousin, Karin didn't look all that happy and she noted that her cousin fit her tastes way more.

"Tama-chan! You look so… small in those clothes! Haha! Come, you'll like it here!" Her aunt took one of the big suitcases and lead her to the car.

"You remember Karin, right? You two played together as children so often before Chiko decided to move away. Oh! Right, this is Orochimaru, he and I married five years ago, it was all soooooo dreamy!" Tamara nodded at the pale man sitting behind the steering wheel as she slid into the car after her suitcases were put away. During the whole way to the grounds of her family Sahra didn't stop talking once and told Tamara all there was to know about Konoha. She opted for looking out of the window and frowned.

Trees and houses lined the sides of the streets, flowers in bright colors in the front lawns and smiling people seemingly everywhere. The highest building seemed to have five floors and was that of the mayor. In the center of the village there were a few more houses with about three floors but even then the balconies showed bright flowers and happy people. What was this?! She felt creped out by all those happy people and her disgust showed on her face she was sure.

The houses got to one or two-family houses again until she saw the first compound. Konoha was her birthplace but she didn't remember a thing from it. She knew from what her mother had told her and before that her father, there were the big families that had their roots deep into the history of the village to its building and those had their lands, or compounds, for their families. There were a little bit more cut off the village as the new people that came into the village moved more towards the center.

With a sigh she took in the half-walls that surrounded the compound of her family and the family-signs on top of the bow they drove through. They had many names mixed by now, but Uzumaki was still one of the most prominent ones. There was no real street in the compound, only much sand that reminded her of the old western-towns in movies. She looked at the big house they were now parked next to. There were two doors but she knew the garden in the back was joined. The door on the other side of the small bush separating the front lawns opened and she saw another red-haired woman come out and wave, she had an apron on and a dish-cloth in her hands, a bright smile on her face.

"Sahra! So is that our guest for this summer? My you grew up Tamara! Remember me? Kushina." Tamara nodded, she wasn't surprised that they assumed she didn't know who they were, her mother had after all cut her off from the family and it was quite big.

"Naruto! Come and say hello to your cousin! She just arrived." She heard a groan and slouched steps before she saw a blonde boy come out of the door, he wore only swimming trunks and had bronzed skin that probably came from the sun. Three whiskers on his cheeks as he gave her a wave.

"You look strange." He said and got a slap to the back of his head from his mother for that.

"Ow, Mom!"

"That was rude Naruto! Be nice to her!"

"I don't even know her name, dattebayo!"

"Tamara." And with that she turned to Orochimaru who had just gotten her suitcases out of the car's trunk and pulled them up the small way to the door. Karin opened the door for her.

"I'll show you your room." She said and Tamara nodded. She followed up the steps and was thankful as Karin left her alone in the room. It was bigger than her own in Ame but that didn't matter to her, she knew it was the guests-room and slowly began to put her clothes into the closet. Taking off her sun-hat she slowly walked over to the window, she was about to pull the curtains closed when she saw the back garden. It was big for her standards at least and housed a big pool with flat stones around it and a few deckchairs. On those were towels and a few were occupied by teenagers around her age, some were in the pool too. She saw the blonde, Naruto jump into the pool and heard the screams from some girls that were now wet from head to toe due to the splash.

She saw Karin walking over too, a skimpy bikini hugging her figure and Tamara felt a pang of jealousy for that figure as well as disgust. She was presenting herself like she was some kind of fling. Hopefully her cousin wasn't one of those that were as easy as she right now looked. With a sigh she pulled the curtains closed and finally took off the sunglasses. Her cousins had friends, many of them, and they were probably the popular kids as well. Tamara herself had about one 'friend' in her whole school and they had never done anything outside of school, she had fled into books and learning, which may have made her good at school but still didn't give her real friends.

She wasn't this… emotionally crippled before, she had dressed nicely too, wore make-up and wanted to look good, but that was her downfall, and she despised herself for it. It had been her fault. She fell onto the bed and hid her face in her hands as the tears burned in her eyes and fell, she cried, her chest hurt and she couldn't help herself but clam her hand over it into the fabric and cry. Why? Why?! Why! She screamed inside her head, pictures, scenes flashing in front of her eyes and making her dizzy, she rolled off the bed, the dim pain of something heavy hitting her head barely registered before everything went blissfully black. The pictures faded into nothing as cotton surrounded her and she heard a melody far in the back of her mind… she just couldn't grasp it.


End file.
